Watch out...I am putting it out there. I may tick some of you off. I will try not to make an ass of myself! I'm just trying to understand.
I was so worried about Aspie-Web-Net. At least we know he is alive. What he was going through was horribly hard on him. I have been so depressed before I could have cut my wrists, in fact, I was thinking the yesterday that know I know why people cut their wrists. Not because of the depression, per-se, but because your blood feels so thick, like it might be suffocating you. I've only been that depressed once in my life, and it was years ago, before Ben.Just thought I'd let y'all know that, so my post wasn't mis-perceived. Thanks, Ed. My brain is like a train---once it gets on that track and moving forward, there's no changing direction. I was obsessed that someone might die. I don't even know Aspie Web Net. But I'm glad he's alive. Depression is not a nice companion at times. It is so 'effing' intense..
So, anyways, the other thing I have been obsessing about this week is how to change the "meme". I'm sure you got the memo from Autism Speaks. Autism is a MONSTER.
And all I can think about is how parents can use "self-abuse" and it just stands out there like the elephant in the room.
It's why Lovaas nearly got away with murdering the soul. (God knows...) He could say," look here" and justify abuse so much so that his methods hit the pages of a major publication, and he's a god-damn hero....Like a child who is beaten into submission, you may not see the behavior you are trying to extinguish, but you have created something much worse because the child has two choices. The abuse will come out against others or against him/her self, unless they are blessed with great courage. Abuse is not discipline, just like rape is not sex.
And I got to thinking about when I wanted to cut my wrists, to let the blood out, to ease the pressure. I felt like my body was in a vacuum chamber, and the cutting would have only allowed the air back in. It wasn't really to die, per se, but to obtain relief. I don't know if I'm making any sense to you all. I'm just saying, the only time depression nearly took over my life...it was as though dying wasn't even a part of it, I just wanted to relieve the pressure!!
Autism, it seems, can bring everything into hyper-arousal. Thoughts, feelings, sounds, sights, smells, tastes...can be perceived as crushing, maybe, or like depression, just intense to a degree people who don't go through it may never understand.. And the impulse to relieve the pressure must be great. I think this is what is misperceived by parents. It's not to "get even" or punish them,or even oneself. It's just that the intensity begs relief.
I'm sorry, Kristina, but I think of Charlie. That damn mask would have been suffocating to me.
Ay, I'm full of it.
I remember a child who was in my PMD classroom. I have been thinking of him every day. "Spit Boy" sent the school in a tizzy because he would spit at people in order to be left alone. He had damn good aim, and could shoot it across the room, and he would just laugh as teachers scurried to get out of his way.
One day his mama forgot his pills, and I saw the suffering he truly went under. He shook, his overstimulation was so intense...he spit constantly, and there was no laughter. He had a fear in his eyes like he was being overwhelmed, and his very life was at stake. He didn't cry, but he guarded himself as though the world would engulf him. It had to have been exhausting for him, it was exhausting to witness.
Since I have been on the Hub, since I worked at a "institution", I have tried to understand self abuse. This is the only time I have come close, in remembering something that happened 20 years ago, and only consisted of a few hours of my life. I'm sure there are many, many more examples in my life, but this one crystalized. It's a good thing nobody reads my blog....